I think I've pretty well turned the corner. I'm not feeling GREAT, but definately better. The weakness is the next hurdle to get over. You can't even imagine how weak chemo makes you....I sure didn't! I can get winded just going to the bathroom! But, I will gain strength little by little every day.
I eat very little. I can be so hungry and get something that looks soooo good and take 2 or 3 bites and I'm done. Can you imagine how frustrating that is? Last week I weighed myself and I've lost 28 pounds! Wow! I'm happy to lose the weight; just not this way. But, I do hope to keep it off after this is all over. That's where my treadmill will come in! I got it right before I got sick, so really haven't had the chance to use it. I remember asking my doctor if I could do the treadmill between my chemo treatments....LOL, goes to show I had no idea what I was in for!
When I started this blog I wanted to keep it "real". So, today I'm going to be totally "real' with you. Some days I'm not so amazing or inspiring.....some days I'm not so upbeat.....some days cancer and chemo just really suck! When I'm my sickest I just have to remind myself that the chemo is killing the cancer cells and the sickness shall pass. I have to keep reminding myself that this will be over soon and I'll feel better. All I have to do to remind myself of that is to look at my sister, Sheila, who did even more chemo last year and she's "living again" this year.
Yesterday I found myself getting depressed. I had thoughts I shouldn't be having. I ask for your prayers in this area. The fact is.....I'm so tired of being sick. I'm so tired of just lying around. My summer sucks...no swimming, no cooking out, no walks, none of the summer stuff everyone does. I don't even get out in my "stamping cave" (my happy place) anymore and play around with my stamps. There just is no energy to do much and by the time I start to feel a little more energy, I get hit with another treatment of chemo and start all over again. But, yes, ONE MORE!!! Then maybe I can start "living again". On top of all of this, I have had to deal with a very painful family situation that has shaken my world for the past year and a half. I have never faced anything this painful in my life. I miss my mom and dad and wish so much I could talk to them. I will never understand what has happened and have to find a way to put it behind me. It's hard and the pain is deep. No one can hurt you as badly as those closest to you....the ones you thought loved you. Please pray for me in this area.....God knows the situation.
This shall pass.....I hope to be back to my perky, positive self very soon. I HAVE to be....my life depends on it! I apologize if this post seems to be a downer.....just keepng it "real". Cancer sucks!
On another note, I will be going to Dr. Jackson, the plastic surgeon, on Tuesday to discuss reconstruction. I have no idea what I will do yet regarding reconstruction....this will help me make my decision. He will explain the process to me and show me pictures and it will help a lot. I think ta-tas are overrated anyway (LOL), so my first thought was to do nothing....just have the double masectomy. But, when I get to feeling better physically, then I get to thinking.....well, maybe....just maybe! I've been thinking about ....perky C's maybe? lol! And they won't go south....I'll be 90 years old and perky! hehe! So, I'll go see what he has to say! I've asked Sheila to go with me on Tuesday. She understands more than anyone what I'm going through.
I have my Stamp Class this week and that will perk me up. It's always a good night to get with my friends for a stamp night and fellowship. So, I'm looking forward to that.
I'll get stronger every day this week, so I'm hoping to have a good week before I get hit again for the final time next week! Larry has been trying to work on the pool and get it opened, but it's cloudy and he just hasn't been able to get it cleared up yet. So, I'm hoping I can go out there and see what I can do with it this week. I thought about not even bothering with it this year, as I probably won't be in it myself much, if at all....but I think I'd like going out on the deck sitting around it and watching everyone else enjoy it. So, I'll give it a try this week.....maybe the final try. Summer will be over before we even get it opened at this rate.
Until next time....please lift me up in prayer. I praise God for His goodness and being with me through all of this and ask that He takes away any of my depression and emotional turmoil.
And get out there and enjoy the summer for me! :=) It will be gone too quickly. Cindy